Always Her (Lesbian Romance) Read online

  “Yeah, I haven’t felt this uncomfortable since my first day at high school!” I laughed, and immediately felt more relaxed.

  “At least they’ve moved the event to a bar. It used to be held in a community hall, with everyone drinking nasty wine in plastic cups. What are you having?” She’d caught the bartender’s attention.

  “Oh, a gin tonic,” I said. I fumbled for a $10 bill and held it out to her, but she waved it away. She picked up the drinks and fought her way through the surge of people desperate to step into the space she’d left.

  “It’s like a zoo in here,” she said, passing me my drink, and arranging her hair back into place. I noticed a sexy drag in her voice.

  “Thanks,” I said. “I’m Elise.”

  “Pleased to meet you, Elise. Marianne.” She shook my hand. Her hand was large and her fingers were strong. We moved to where there was space, beside a pillar. The XX was playing, as it had been in the café days ago. We clinked glasses, and I sucked up almost half my drink in a single mouthful.

  “So, first time here, or first time?” Marianne asked, her brown eyes glittering. Don’t blush, I told myself, feeling the beginning of warmth in my cheeks.

  “First time here,” I said. I don’t know why I said it. I suddenly couldn’t stand to come across as so inexperienced.

  “Are you a freshman?”

  “No, junior year.” She frowned.

  “Where else do you go?” Flustered, I told her the name of the café.

  “That’s funny,” she said, biting on the end of her straw. “I haven’t seen you in there.”

  “We must’ve missed each other.” I made my voice light, desperate to turn the conversation in another direction. She was the kind of girl who caught my eye – tall, dark-haired, confident, although there was a hint of cockiness in her tone, a suggestion that everything came to her too easily. At that moment, a girl with black corkscrew curls yelled “Marianne!” while hurtling into her and landing a smacking kiss on her cheek, leaving a lipstick residue behind.

  “Where have you been?” she said, far too loudly.

  “Nowhere new,” Marianne said, smirking at her. The girl wrapped her arms around Marianne’s waist, and finally turned to me.

  “I love this girl!” she said, and, in case I was in any doubt, planted a second kiss on her face. I backed away.

  “Hey, I’m going to the restroom, but I’ll catch you later,” I said. Marianne smiled and nodded.

  I did actually need the bathroom. When I re-entered the bar, I drifted aimlessly. Everyone was in groups now, and I didn’t recognize any of the people I’d initially been introduced to. The groups looked tight and cliquey. Intimidated, I headed back to the doorway, to see if I could latch onto any new arrivals. There was a familiar face. She saw me at the same time.

  “Elise!” Jess called. She ran over and hugged me.

  “Hi!” I said, ridiculously happy to know someone. She took my hand. “Come on, everyone’s over here!” I stumbled after her, and as we approached her friends, I saw a pair of shoulders that I knew too well. Oh no! I couldn’t let her see me. I’d imagined that she was either at work, or at home with her girlfriend. But here she was, in black skinny jeans and a button-down black shirt. “Look who I found!” Jess exclaimed, and span me into the middle of the group. Tatiana was there, along with a petite girl with platinum blonde hair and huge brown eyes. “This is Alyssa. Alyssa, Elise. I think you know everybody else?” I shot a glance at Jack, and caught a flash of complete shock, before she said hello to me in her usual, friendly way. If anyone else was stunned to see me, they hid it well. Tatiana was charming, and Alyssa roused my curiosity. She was a beautiful girl, and she made the effort to welcome me, but something about her felt brittle enough to snap.

  “Let me get the next round in,” Jack said. Everyone handed her $5, and I did the same.

  “She’s friends with the bartender,” Jess explained as she headed off to the bar. “She used to work bar at this event, actually. So now they let her skip the line, as long as she makes the drinks up herself.”

  The girls kept chatting and cracking jokes, often at each others’ expense, pulling me into the conversation, and passing on snippets of gossip about the people they were discussing.

  Soon, Jack was back, and passing around five identical spirit and mixer drinks.

  “Sex on the beach with a twist?” Tatiana said. Jack nodded.

  “Best I could do here.”

  “It’s pretty good,” I said. “I’ve been spoiled by your cocktails at DeeBee’s though.”

  “They are the best,” Alyssa said.

  “I still feel like a kid in Disneyland in there,” Jack said. “The owner lets me order any liquors I want, so I can make anything that’s ever been invented, and experiment with plenty more.”

  “It would be a fast route to alcoholism for me,” Alyssa said. “I wouldn’t be able to resist trying them all out.”

  “Mmm, something tells me that’s what made my boss the man he is today. I mean, I love the guy, but he uses drink the way I use oxygen.”

  “You can tell she aspires to fill his shoes,” Jess said.

  “Nuh-uh. When I graduate, I’m outta there. No more working in hospitality for me. I appreciate good cocktails too much to watch people throwing them down their necks night after night.”

  The conversation continued, and, little by little, the group broke into two, with Tatiana, Jess and Alyssa chatting in one huddle, and Jack and I drawing closer to each other at the side of them.

  “Did you end up meeting Christie’s parents?” I asked.

  “Oh.” She stared at the floor. I mentally gave myself a slap around the head. Very sensitive, Elise.

  “Sorry, you don’t have to tell me. I didn’t mean to pry.”

  “Don’t be silly, you’re not prying. I was the one to tell you about my trials and tribulations in the first place. We actually broke up.” I was silent for several stunned seconds.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “It’s ok. And it was related to her parents. I decided meeting them was too much, for her parents’ sake, as well as mine. I’m pretty sure the most liberal parents would have a hard time finding out their daughter was gay, when they’d had no previous suspicions, and then being introduced to her somewhat androgynous girlfriend. And Christie’s parents certainly aren’t liberal.” The word ‘androgynous’ shot a bolt of heat deep inside me. I forced myself to dismiss the thought.

  “And then what happened?” I asked.

  “She gave me an ultimatum. She said if I didn’t meet them, it was over. So, it was over. You don’t hand out ultimatums to someone you love. I’d always suspected she was more into the idea of me, than being with me for myself.”

  “If that’s true, she’s an idiot,” I said, before I could stop myself. Jack’s body moved infinitesimally – whether the ghost of a shrug, or a shake of the head, I wasn’t sure.

  “Christie’s young. And the other day, I discovered just how young. She’s still working out who she is, and hasn’t yet grown out of being rebellious, and that’s not what I’m looking for. I think having my heart broken so young – you know, by Clarice in high school – made me grow up a lot, and I need to be with someone on a level.”

  “I understand,” I said. “When I started college, after what I’d been through with my father, and then having to leave my home permanently, I felt years older than some of the other kids.” Jack looked at me very seriously, as if she’d just woken up to something.

  “I can’t pretend to have experienced what you’ve had to face,” she said. “I must sound like a child in comparison.” I shook my head, dismissing the notion.

  “I hope it’s not too intrusive to ask, but – ” she faltered.

  “You want to know what I’m doing here?”

  “Yes.” I was silent for a few beats, dimly aware that the hand holding my glass was trembling.

  “I’ve been lying to myself for years, trying to live as my f
ather wanted me to, and society expected me to. But I can’t do it any more. I’ve broken up with my boyfriend, and I’m just beginning to come to terms with the fact that I’m gay.”

  “Wow. That’s immense. I mean, I hadn’t guessed.” I laughed, and wafted my hand up and down my body.

  “I mean, why would you?” Her lips pressed together, and then silently formed words, as if she was testing out different versions of what she wanted to say. I watched her mouth, fascinated.

  “So, when did you first realize that you might be gay?” she asked at last.

  “When I was at high school,” I said. Jack looked at me, expecting me to say more. And when I didn’t, her eyes narrowed, before slowly widening, filling with understanding. She knew. The secret I’d maintained, so carefully for so long, was out. She bit her lip and continued to stare.

  “I had a crush on you at school. The biggest crush, actually,” I said, dizzy with what I was saying, but somehow needing to say it. “You were the first girl I ever crushed on, and it was what made me realize that I was into girls and not guys.” Jack held my gaze, her eyes wide and very bright.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, her voice husky.

  “You were with Clarice, for one thing,” I said. Jack’s chin tilted at the sound of her name. “I was insanely jealous of her.” I laughed. “For a while, I even wished I was her.” Jack gave me a quick smile and looked down at her drink, shifted her weight from one foot to another.

  “I don’t know what to say. I guess I wish you’d told me at the time.”

  “If you hadn’t been with Clarice, I might have. I was crushed out enough to have written you a note and left it in your locker, or something pathetic like that. But I thought I’d sound like such an idiot when you already had a girlfriend that you were obviously really into.”

  “Ha, you might have saved me from a lot of teenage angst if you had!” I laughed.

  “You and me both. I could also tell that I totally wasn’t your type.” Jack met my gaze for a moment before looking down again.

  “So, when you knew that liking me wasn’t an anomaly, and that you liked girls in general, you didn’t think about acting on your feelings?”

  “I don’t know. Having the friends I had, I felt like such a fake; like I didn’t have the right to feel how I felt. And there was my dad. I felt horribly guilty at the thought of hurting him as well. When my friends started to have boyfriends, so did I, because I felt like it was expected of me. I looked at girls like you and Clarice, and saw people who were far braver than me, and destined to lead different lives.”

  “Maybe Clarice and I just had a much easier time of things. I mean, Clarice wasn’t even gay. She was just doing what was cool. Actually, it was a shortcut to coolness. And for me, I had the support of my parents. Perhaps suppressing your own feelings for the sake of your father was the braver thing to do.” I shrugged.

  “I guess,” I said.

  “And now? What made you break up with your boyfriend and take the step of coming here?” I stirred the ice in my drink with my straw.

  “To be honest – ” I faltered, my tongue struggling to form the words. “Seeing you in DeeBee’s brought all those feelings out that I thought I’d buried for good. And, suddenly, they were impossible to put back in their box.”

  “You’d buried them? Really?” I smiled and shook my head.

  “No, of course I hadn’t. The whole time I was with guys, I checked girls out constantly. And in Deebee’s, in the split second before I recognized you, I checked you out too.” My face warmed. Had I really just said that?

  Jack took a step towards me, and we were suddenly very close. I could smell the sweetness of her breath, and I breathed in her scent, more real than ever before. I tingled all over. She reached out, took a strand of my hair and moved it behind my shoulder. I stayed motionless, fearing that the slightest movement could break the tension between us. I was dimly aware of my nipples hardening. A heavy hand landed on my shoulder. Jack took a step back. The spell was broken.

  “Hey! I was wondering where you got to,” a loud voice said. I span around, burning with frustration. It was Marianne. The world seemed to be moving in slow motion, as I registered how much my earlier interest in her had cooled.

  “I was just talking to a friend of mine,” I said. I caught Jack’s eye, but her face had closed.

  “Oh, yeah, Jack and I go way back,” Marianne said, the drag in her voice becoming more pronounced. “I just came to tell you that I have to go now. I need to show my face at a party. But it would be cool to hang out again. Could I have your number?” I was aware of Jack’s eyes on my face, and I felt like I was under a spotlight, forced to complete some test where I didn’t understand what the rules were.

  “Uh, sure,” I said. I reached out for her phone and typed my number in.

  “Catch you later, babe,” she said, and was gone. I returned my gaze to Jack. She’d straightened up, her back like a brick wall.

  “Marianne’s cool,” she said, her voice lacking all conviction.

  “Yeah?” I said, not sure I wanted to hear about what was evidently bad blood between them. Jack lifted her shoulders and dropped them again.

  “One thing I’ll say about the lesbian scene is that it’s full of gossip, and everyone knows everyone, so it can seem a little incestuous. It’s probably best to get to know people on your own terms, instead of listening to a ton of second-hand opinions. I remember when I first started hanging out here, I felt like I was walking into a snake pit. So I’ll reserve any opinions I have, but I promise that I’m always here to listen.”

  “Thanks,” I said, bitterly stung. She was offering me friendship, and that was all. I didn’t know what else to say. We could hardly continue the conversation where we’d left off. “I should probably head home,” I said. “I’ve got work at 8 tomorrow.”

  “Ouch. Rather you than me,” she said with a grimace, and took a step towards me, as if to give me a friendly hug. I shrank back. It was too much. I gave her a pathetic wave instead, and waved to her friends too, before leaving as fast as I could.

  “Catch you later,” I called to her as I slipped away.

  My body was still tingling, I noticed as I walked home. Tingling from a moment that had been no more than a figment of my imagination. Jack wanted to be friends; that was all. She’d made it perfectly clear that she wasn’t interested in quasi-straight girls, and, from the disgust on her face when she’d seen Marianne, I’d just crushed the only glimmer of hope by stupidly agreeing to give her my number. Idiot! I muttered to myself, then shouted it into the silent street for emphasis.

  Chapter Seven

  Jack

  I was awake, and there was no alarm exploding in my ears or noise from anywhere in the house. A moment like this happened once a month or less. Lying on my front, I stretched, spread-eagling myself across the bed, and rubbed my face into the pillow. Pure bliss. I reached for my phone on the nightstand. 11:13am. The perfect time to wake up on a Sunday morning, after a Saturday night of work. Sighing, I rolled onto my back and stared at the crumbling plaster on the ceiling. I had no plans all day. Possibilities wandered through my mind. I could call a few similarly unattached people and organize brunch. Or I could go to the weekly soccer kick-around in the university sports grounds. Or I could drive out to the beach and go for a long run. Or I could stay in bed and watch a movie. They were all appealing options, but another thought kept pushing them aside. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her since we’d spoken on Friday. Funny how learning something new about someone can turn your perceptions of them completely upside down. There was something about her. I hadn’t seen it at school, when I’d dismissed her as one of The Plastics, but that time, in DeeBee’s, I’d noticed it. It was something I hadn’t even been fully aware of. I’d been with Christie at the time too, and not looking to notice anyone else. But then on Friday, I hadn’t been able to take my eyes off her lips, so full and perfect; those green cat eyes. She was
stunning. And she had a personality to match; she was funny, with that adorable shyness that rose up sometimes when she was put on the spot; the intimations of strength that lay beneath it. Last night, at work, I kept thinking how it was Saturday, and that maybe she was on a date with Marianne. That superficial egotist. Maybe Marianne was kissing her; doing more than kissing. I’d clenched my hands into fists. Calm down, I’d told myself. Maybe Elise was at work too, like most students on a Saturday night.

  Her confession that she used to have a crush on me had floored me. And I knew it had taken a lot for her to confess to it. But that didn’t mean she still liked me. She was one of those people who were always really engaged with what you were saying, holding your eye contact, making you feel like the most important person in the room. But she was like that with everyone, I could see that. She’s just coming out of the closet. Maybe she just needs a friend, someone who knows her from way back. There’s nothing wrong with that. I picked up my phone again and wrote a message.

  Several attempts later, it said:

  I’ve heard someone’s giving out free roller-skating lessons at South Park this afternoon, in case you’re interested?

  I got up, showered, and, when I came back into the bedroom, a flutter of adrenaline hit me in the chest at the sight of a message lighting up my screen:

  I am. But I don’t have any skates :(

  “Damn,” I muttered. Typical. I was trying to be so smooth but I’d forgotten the most critical part of the plan. I cast my mind through my friends, trying to figure out if any of them were likely to own skates.

  “Try the Roller Derby rink,” Alyssa muttered sleepily into her phone. “I think you can hire them out.”

  A 45-minute round trip later, and I struck gold. Two pairs, size 6 and 8.

  I met Elise on a bench by the park’s ornamental garden. She was wearing a pleated denim skirt, a white tank top and yellow sandals, and her hair hung loose, with a slight natural wave. She looked breathtaking.